13 Articles of Mormon Culture


1. We believe SUVs and minivans to be our form of transportation, and in 
knee length shorts -- which are always nice and, of course, . . . . in multilevel
 marketing.


2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own 
fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.


3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice, all 
casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity 
in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first,
beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour
cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have 
it. 


5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that 
it's appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical 
figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes 
only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General
 Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.



6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes,
 namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word
signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth. 



7. We believe in the gift of re-gifting: church books, crafts, family 
photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.



8. We believe in sparkling grape juice -- so long as it is non-alcoholic; we
 also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward and all other parties.



9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now
 scrapbook, and we believe that 
we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our 
family, friends, pets, and vacations.



10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous
 application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be 
used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get 
Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy
 reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.





11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with
 any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same
 privilege; we also believe in name dropping the names of famous people and 
general authorities how, where, or what we may. 




12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses,
 and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional
 schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.





13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being
 fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU
 football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope
 to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope 
to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free,
 sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these
 things.